Facebook Status Updates Collection Part II

Here is the 2nd installment of my facebook status updates. Again, these go from most recent to least, beginning chronologically at the bottom...


Matt is posting some of his recent status updates in a blog. Again.

Matt will be here all week.

Matt knows that you're supposed to make lemonade when life hands you lemons, but what about when life hands you the rotted skull of Joseph Stalin? Make stalinade?

Matt is giving you five minutes, and five minutes only, to put on your makeup and get into your catsuit.

Matt thinks that Sarah is Palin' in comparison to every other woman in the world. Get it? Palin'? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Feel free to use that. That's gold right there.

Matt is beating the crap out of a leprechaun.

Matt assumes all people are voting democrat until they tell him otherwise. Benefit of the doubt.

Matt researched the 5 presidential elections since 1848 that were held on his b-day (Nov 4). Republicans have won 3 to Dems 2. And GOP won the last 3, so we're due!

Matt is having one pancake, one flapjack, and one griddle cake for breakfast.

Matt is mad as hell and will probably continue to take it.

Matt is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore.

Matt thinks that the first day of school is for losers.

Matt is funny because he's true.

Matt wasn't actually late because he had to wash his hair. That would be stupid.

Matt needs to shave his head because showers take way too long when you have to soak your big stupid spongehead and then you're late for work.

Matt can't stop whistling the theme to WKRP in Cincinnati and wouldn't want to stop even if he could.

Matt hypothesizes that if things went just a little bit differently, we'd be listening to Crosby, Hitler, Nash and Young today.

Matt is self deprecating, but ironically thinks very highly of himself for being that way.

Matt isn't sure how NOT to keep it real.

Matt is cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Matt is doing the mashed potato, and he ain't talking about no dance.

Matt finds pretty much everything about Bea Arthur funny.

Matt is standing right behind you, getting ready to cover your eyes with his hands and say "Guess who?" But don't guess him or he'll be disappointed that you knew.

Matt may contain traces of peanuts or other kinds of nuts.

Matt needs to stop relaxing in ways that make him more tired than working.

Matt completes you.

Matt treats himself like a princess.

Matt prefers salary to celery.

Matt might convert to Christianity because the guy that runs the fruit stand where he gets his fruit in the morning is named Jesus and the fruit is delicious.

Matt just now realized that he doesn't think he ever tasted a Zima.

Matt never plagiarizes, because sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, and often is his gold complexion dimm'd.

Matt is certain that Tilly is short for Isoko.

Matt does not blame Tilly Ono.

Matt is going to build a better world. The only tools he requires are a bulldozer and a sheet of acid.

Matt wants to raze Staten Island and fill it with giant models of small items (like pencils and paper clips) so we'll have a place to go pretend we're very tiny.

Matt can really taste the kale.

Matt is going to do things entirely through montages from now on. All tedious and unfunny parts will be edited out and a lively tune will play in the background.

Matt isn't sure if the verb for doing things on facebook is "facebooking" or "facing book".

Matt is wearing knickers and a beanie with a propeller on top and licking a giant lollipop.

Matt thinks that if people are going to call you Eggy, you should know what albumen is.

Matt is throwing out his wallet and getting one of those canvas bags with the drawstring and the big dollar sign on the front.

Matt still can't decide if he should be a Blood or a Crip.

Facebook Status Updates Collection

I have had several requests to list my facebook status updates in a blog, so I am finally acting on said requests. These are listed from most recent to least recent, so if you want any type of forward-moving chronology, you best start at the bottom. Unfortunately, it appears that facebook only keeps about two months' worth of updates in its history, so all the updates from before then are lost forever, save the few that I can recall. Going forward, I will try to do this every couple of months to avoid losing any future updates. Then again, I may never do this again. Yeah, that sounds like me. Anyway, without further ado...


Matt is posting a collection of the last couple of months’ status updates in a blog.

Matt swears on the life of James Brolin that he just had his name legally changed to Yentl.

Matt would like to start some pointless new stereotypes. For example, Oregonians love mints and Cubans take decent photographs.

Matt didn't get any red velvet cake.

Matt is never going to make it to the gig in Southampton on time. Anybody know of a really really really cheap helicopter rental place?

Matt is tired of reading the same book over and over just because the little guy says “again” every time the story ends. Stories end, little guy. Stories end.

Matt is squirting Elmer's Glue all over his face and thrusting his head into a giant bucket of glitter.

Matt will have what you're having.

Matt would like to know your password so he can steal your identity.

Matt will vote for the candidate that promises to do away with dollars and cents, and make broken toys and outgrown baby clothes the new U.S. currency.

Matt is getting a tattoo on his arm that says "Mom", but it is not a tribute to his mom, it is a tribute to your mom.

Matt doesn't think Elmo is so bad, but prefers pretty much every other muppet.

Matt can't decide if he is the bee's knees or the cat's whiskers, but he is definitely one or the other.

Matt is killing microscopic organisms constantly. And getting away with it.

Matt is considering saving garbage bags full of all the food that his son throws on the floor and making him eat it all on his 18th birthday.

Matt is high on life, but drugs help too.

Matt is slipping you a mickey, but he ain't talking about the drug. And he's penciling you in, but he ain't talking about an appointment.

Matt will clean your clock for twenty bucks, but will not tell you if the phrase "clean your clock" is meant literally or figuratively.

Matt would probably never use a tennis racquet if he owned one, so he would give it to you as a gift. You're welcome.

Matt loves the USA and everything it stands for. Except materialism, intolerance, violence, imperialistic greed and a bunch of other things.

Matt is trolling for clams. Or clamming for trolls. Whichever comes first.

Matt would pay top dollar for a gingerbread gun that shoots marshmallow bullets.

Matt is cruel and unusual.

Matt doesn't live every day like it's his last or his first. He lives every day kind of like it's his 9,683rd.

Matt has no interest in living each day like it's his last. He'd rather live like it is his first. (Lying around screaming, waiting to get fed and rocked to sleep.)

Matt is sprinkling fairy dust on your cracker ass.

Matt bluffed the crap out of everybody last night and won big money with garbage hands.

Matt is slightly concerned that his son's hair is starting to look so much like Gene Wilder's.

Matt is filling a paper bag with doody, putting it on your doorstep, lighting it on fire and ringing your doorbell.

Matt is trying to work out the logistics of becoming a weak, slow, clumsy vigilante crime-fighter with average intelligence and no weapons.

Matt was so psyched to see the movie this past weekend that he was actually referred to as "The Dork Knight".

Matt has no qualms about washing down jelly beans with beer.

Matt is pretty sure he saw Heath Ledger on the train this morning, disguised as a Hasid.

Matt wonders if it means that he has had enough coffee when blood starts pouring out of his ears.

Matt cannot seem to make his son understand that eyeglasses are an integral part of Daddy's survival and must be left on his face at all times.

Matt has decided that the only thing more boring than ballplayers riding in the backs of pickup trucks is regular people riding in the backs of pickup trucks.

Matt needs a method of teaching his son to drum using a spoon and a pot that doesn't involve getting repeatedly whaled in the face with a spoon.

Matt just got back from rocking the socks off a bunch of partygoers on Martha's Vineyard. Seriously, a lot of them weren't wearing socks.

Matt loves friends that go out of their way to fit his amplifier into their car so that he doesn't have to carry it on and off the ferry by hand.

Matt brakes for turtledoves.

Matt has sand coming out of his wazoo.

Matt reminds you to let go of the firecracker before it goes off.

Matt has issues. That was a typo. What it should have said was "Matt has tissues".

Matt feels effeminate, having recently eaten lavender ice cream.

Matt is 100% certain that his son is the reincarnation of Richard Pryor.

Matt takes the orange peel out of his mouth, laughs, then coughs. He starts to fall, grabs for a plant, then falls to the ground.

Matt picks a name at random from the new phonebook and says, "Johnson, Navin, R. Sounds like a typical bastard."

Matt has the intelligence of a butter cookie.

Matt will try not to make his status updates so creepy in the future, for the sake of his marriage.

Matt is getting crap from his wife about his last status update.

Matt is screwing your mother.

Matt dreamt last night that President Obama launched a full attack on Iran, and the NY Post headline was "Oh, Bomb-a!"

Matt is locked in the freezer with Mr. Furley. Again.

Matt is terrified that his last status update might have incurred God’s dumb-ass wrath.

Matt is pretty sure that if there is a God, he is a total moron.

Matt is updating his status.

Matt will absolve your sins for the low low price of $79.95.

Matt had a dream last night that you and he were floating high above Manhattan in a magic rowboat, throwing great handfuls of gumdrops into the open mouths of the homeless.

Matt is rubbing blueberry pie on his chest.

Top Ten Movie Psychopath Performances

After seeing “The Dark Knight” last night, I could think of only one other film portrayal of a murdering psychopath that I enjoyed more than Heath Ledger’s Joker. After deciding on Ledger as my #2 all-time movie psycho, I thought it would be fun to come up with a full top ten of my personal favorites. These are based on the quality of the actor’s performance, and quality has been determined purely by my enjoyment of the character, as I remember it.

First, a few runners up:

Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb (Ted Levine in “The Silence of the Lambs”)
Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson in “The Departed”)
Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci in “Goodfellas”)
Norman Bates (Tony Perkins in “Psycho”)

Buffalo Bill might have creeped me out more than any other movie psycho I’ve ever seen (“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”), but he just didn’t get enough screen time for me to put him on the actual list. Costello and DeVito didn’t make the top ten because I’m not sure that gangsters should count, no matter how savagely murderous they are. Mobsters’ violent crimes are committed mainly for financial gain or to avoid getting pinched, and are usually done in carefully planned, methodical, businesslike ways. These two characters might have otherwise made the cut because the performances are amazing, and both characters do take special glee from their work and perform certain violent acts more for fun and/or emotional release than profit. But because they are actual mobsters, I felt I had to leave them off the list. Norman Bates didn’t make the cut because I haven’t seen “Psycho” since I was around twelve years old. I can barely remember most of his performance. Perhaps I should have watched it again before coming up with this list, because if this were an objective list of film psychos, Bates would have to be there, having been the titular character in a film that was really the first of its genre (and was actually called “Psycho” for pete’s sake). But this is a list of my personal favorites, and therefore he doesn’t make it. Onto the list…

10. HANNIBAL LECTER (Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence of the Lambs”)

Obviously, this is known as one of the quintessential performances of a psycho, and I do appreciate the greatness of it, but for some reason Lecter never grasped hold of my imagination as strongly as some other characters, leaving him lower on the list than many other people might had him. But my grandma has a friend named Clarice, and I love to say “Hello Clarice” to her in that weird voice, rolling the “r” slightly and extending the “c” like a snake, so there was really no way to leave him off the list entirely.

9. ANNIE WILKES (Kathy Bates in “Misery”)

The performance that thrust Bates into the spotlight. This was just the perfect role for her. It is amazing how she could seem so sweet and innocent one moment, almost cute, and then such a crazed, violent animal the next. I have no idea how she made her eyes go all dark and stormy like that.

8. ALEX FORREST (Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”)

A blistering portrayal of a severely unbalanced woman scorned. As she stood there in a white dress, entirely unaware that she was cutting herself with a giant kitchen knife while talking crazy to Michael Douglas, she simultaneously carved disturbance into the minds of moviegoers everywhere.

7. ALEX (Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”)

Ultra-violence! After Alex’s version of “Singing In The Rain,” nobody will ever look at Gene Kelly the same way again.

6. FRANK BOOTH (Dennis Hopper in “Blue Velvet”)

The ultimate creep. So ridiculously freaky. The nitrous, the penchant for Pabst Blue Ribbon, the crawling around on the floor, the weird groaning, the things he screams into Isabella Rossellini’s lap about what baby wants to do… I’m nauseous just thinking about it.

5. PATRICK BATEMAN (Christian Bale in “American Psycho”)

This performance is as funny as it is terrifying. After reading the novel, I find it even more impressive that Bale could pull this off as well as he did. His weird fang-like teeth definitely didn’t hurt.

4. ANTON CHIGURH (Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men”)

The scene with the old guy in the gas station alone puts him squarely in my top five. The character’s connection to organized crime almost made me question his entry onto the list (since I disqualified Frank Costello and Tommy DeVito), but he’s not really a gangster as much as “violence-for-hire.” This character is psychotic violence incarnate, and the acting is perfect. It’s my list and I’ll do what I want with it.

3. TRAVIS BICKLE (Robert De Niro in “Taxi Driver”)

Gotta love De Niro with a mohawk. Bickle is one of the all-time classic film characters, and the only one on this list that is really a “good guy.” I mean he’s definitely a psycho, but at least he directed his murderous impulses on the scum of New York City in an effort to save a child prostitute. What a guy!

2. THE JOKER (Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”)

I don’t see how anyone could ever play The Joker any better. Nicholson’s turn back in the day seems merely cute by comparison. In fact, you can't really compare Nicholson and Ledger. It makes more sense to compare Nicholson and Cesar Romero. Ledger's take is a completely different beast. Not going to say any more about this in case anyone hasn’t seen the film yet (it’s only been out for three days after all).

1. JACK TORRANCE (Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”)

Yes, even though Nicholson’s Joker is not much more than a cranky Bozo the Clown compared to Ledger’s, Jack still retains the top spot as the reigning movie nutcase of all time, thanks to Stanley Kubrick’s vision of Stephen King’s greatest creation. I don’t know if anyone will ever outdo this mesmerizing portrayal of a troubled family man’s descent into murderous madness. And if someone does, I’m not sure I want to see it.

Indiana Jones and the Sharp Decline of Steven Spielberg

[SPOILER ALERT – The following review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is meant more for people who have already seen it, and I mention a scene or two in this blog, so if you haven’t seen it and/or don’t want to know anything about it, do not read any further.]

Expectations are a funny thing. When I first heard that there was going to be a new Indiana Jones movie, I had high expectations based on the franchise’s prior successes. Then, when I heard Shia La Poof was going to be in it, my expectations were lowered quite a bit. Then, when a friend told me that it was terrible, my expectations were lowered even further. So I went to see the movie (I couldn’t resist) knowing that my expectations had practically reached their lowest possible point, and it therefore began to creep into my head that the movie might actually slightly exceed those expectations, resulting in slightly higher expectations, which turned out to be much higher expectations than I should have had. It’s all very complicated, but the bottom line is that it resulted in total non-enjoyment. Although I think that to enjoy this movie, I would have had to be expecting a root canal.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is nothing but another large handful of dirt thrown upon the long ago fully nailed coffin that holds Steven Spielberg’s once vast talents.

People that liked this movie have said that it was “dumb fun.” Dumb, yes. Fun, no. Dumb fun would have been great. I understand that the filmmakers were going for a tongue-in-cheek, silly, fun action movie. But I didn't have much fun, other than the occasional snarky comment I tossed to my cohort in cinemisery who went to see this piece of crap with me, and making little games out of the viewing (I was off by 5 minutes on the snake scene, having called that it would appear at 1:15. It actually arrived at 1:10.). Even the silly homages to other films (ie. Caddyshack, The Wild One), which I usually enjoy in a movie, were much too overt, preposterous and annoying. I really couldn't wait for the movie to end. If it had been in a multiplex, I might have walked out and seen something else.

I felt like nobody that was involved with this movie was trying to make it any good, except maybe Cate Blanchett, who was stunning as usual. The script made no sense, the acting was half-hearted or maybe even quarter-hearted (Harrison Ford just threw away line after line, not that the lines were very punchy anyway), and the action was never resolved with any kind of cleverness. For example, the characters go over a waterfall, everybody's ok, they go over another waterfall, everybody's ok, they go over a REALLY BIG waterfall, and everybody's ok. I'm supposed to be entertained by that? I haven’t seen a hundred characters in a hundred other movies go over a hundred other waterfalls? How boring is this? It was like watching a learning-disabled family ride the flume at an amusement park. Can the characters' survival at least be made interesting? Can they escape their peril in a slightly more interesting way than “they just survive?”

The acting was surprisingly horrid. I at least expected Harrison Ford to be slightly amusing or charmingly cocky or something. But I didn’t for a moment believe that it was Indiana Jones I was watching on the screen. Ford seemed like he was reading his lines off of cue cards, and furthermore, he appeared to be reading them for the first time. His inflection was flat and uninspired. I got the feeling that he was embarrassed to be playing this character at this point in his life. Also his pants looked really new, like he just bought them at The Gap. Indiana Jones shouldn't be wearing brand new pants. This is very important.

I also found Shia La Poof to be very irritating, but then again I always find him to be very irritating. He has this confused sort of arrogance, and this arrogance seems unjustified to me. Unlike other stars of the big screen, whose arrogance may be dignified or charming or comical, La Poof is just snotty. He’s like a little green snot and when I watch him in a movie I feel like he’s getting smeared all over my glasses. And why would anybody cast someone with an afro as a greaser? His frizzed-up hair refused to stay put, and didn’t work as the slicked back “duck’s ass” hairstyle so popular with the toughs of the late fifties. He looked like a sort of olive-skinned, fuzzy-headed semitic Elvis impersonator straight out of some white supremacist’s rock and roll nightmare.

Another thing I don't understand... was Marion Ravenwood supposed to be demented or has Karen Allen lost her mind in real life or what? What was with that looney smile glued to her wide mug the whole time? She just seemed like some chubby wacko running around. I couldn’t believe for a single second that this bloated nutcase was a woman that the great Indiana Jones would have any interest in whatsoever.

While watching this clunker, I had this image of Spielberg, Ford and Lucas all sitting around drunk at a fancy dinner, saying things like, "Um, let's see... how about ants? We haven't done ants yet. What the hell. Throw some ants in there. And have we done waterfalls yet? Maybe. But put that in there too anyway. Who really cares at this point? The suckers will see this thing no matter what. Ha ha ha ha ha." Actually, the murderous ants were probably my favorite part of the movie. But that's not saying much.

I read an interview with Spielberg where he said that he felt like he was on vacation while he was making this movie. Makes sense to me. I felt like he was on vacation too.

Top Fifty 1920 Ballplayer Names

Baseball players in the early part of the century had such great names. You may have heard of ballplayers from 1920 like Pie Traynor and Tris Speaker, or at the very least Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb, who all have pretty good names, but there are so many other players whose names deserve recognition. Therefore, I present to you…

The Top Fifty 1920 Ballplayer Names (Excluding those mentioned above)

1. Jigger Statz
2. Greasy Neale
3. Sweetbreads Bailey
4. Gavvy Cravath
5. Ivey Wingo
6. Heinie Groh
7. Hippo Vaughn
8. Chippy Gaw
9. Pickles Dillhoefer
10. Zack Wheat
11. Mack Wheat
12. Shovel Hodge
13. Grover Lowdermilk
14. Ping Bowdie
15. Urban Shocker
16. Amos Strunk
17. Bubber Jonnard
18. Baby Doll Jacobson
19. Dud Lee
20. Lyman Lamb
21. Hal Leathers
22. Pinch Thomas
23. Happy Felsch
24. Chick Shorten
25. Slim Love
26. Chick Fewster
27. Bibb Falk
28. Stuffy McInnis
29. Braggo Roth
30. Mule Watson
31. Nig Clarke
32. Cy Fried
33. Pug Griffin
34. Speed Martin
35. Rowdy Elliott
36. Eppa Rixey
37. Rabbit Maranville
38. Bunny Hearn
39. Possum Whitted
40. Howdy Caton
41. Sheriff Blake
42. Mutt Wilson
43. Dutch Wetzel
44. Dixie Davis
45. Howie Shanks
46. Fred Merkle
47. Hod Leverette
48. Roxy Walters
49. Max Flack
50. Wally Pipp

The Cabinet of Disco Volante

If you pay attention to pop culture at all, there is a good chance you've heard about the experience of viewing the film The Wizard of Oz while listening to the Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon. I'd heard about this phenomenon many times over the years, but never bothered to try it, until this weekend. It was enjoyable, if not mind-blowing, and there really were a whole lot of fun coincidences lyrically and musically. More than anything else, the film and album just went together nicely, and the various moods of the music fit the moods of the film very well. That said, I think that anyone that thinks that there was any intent on the part of Pink Floyd to synch the album to the movie is out of their everlovin' gourd.

Anyway, this brings me to a similar discovery that my wife and I made several years ago, but sort of forgot about until now. There is a really great, creepy, German expressionist silent film from 1920 called The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, which is considered by some to be the first horror film. Being a silent film, there is a classical score on the soundtrack to the version that we have, and apparently there have been various scores created to go with the film over the years. However, one time a number of years ago, we put on the film with the sound turned down, and I happened to put on the Mr. Bungle album Disco Volante as the film was beginning, and we were amazed at what unfolded. We did it a couple of times again soon after, and then forgot about it. But the whole Oz/Floyd thing rekindled our memory, and we again watched Caligari/Bungle this weekend. It is amazing! This album perfectly complements the movie musically. Lyrically, there is very little similarity between the film and record, with the exception of one or two very well placed lines (it is difficult to decipher the lyrics to most of Patton's vocals on the record anyway without reading along), but musically, it is practically perfection. The pacing of the music and film are almost exact, and there are many, many times that the music suddenly stops or changes in perfect sequence with the plot and camera shots. The album has twelve tracks, but each song (as with most Bungle songs) is eclectic in and of itself, and changes musical movements incredibly often, sometimes every few seconds. And there are so many times that the music suddenly changes to fit what is happening on the screen. It's really extremely cool. If you can get your hands on the movie and album, I highly recommend watching them together in the dark. You want to start the album the moment that the film begins, that is, when the title appears onscreen. You will not be disappointed.

Next I'm going to try Porky's II: The Next Day along with Simon and Garfunkel's Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. I'll let you know how that goes.

Top 5 Lyricicisists

As a songwriter, I’ve been pretty stumped for lyrics lately, and I find myself thinking about rock lyrics a lot. And I just finished reading the novel High Fidelity by Nick Hornby (in which the main characters are constantly coming up with “Top 5” lists). Actually I read all Hornby’s novels recently. Good stuff. Funny. And quick reading… his novels take two or three days to read, tops. I recommend. Anyway, I’m going to get this blog rolling with a list of my top five favorite rock lyricists. These are my personal favorites. I’ll list ten songs by each artist that I feel best represent his work.

1) BOB DYLAN - The Unquestioned Lyric Master. The idea that Bob Dylan is the greatest all time rock lyricist is about as close to a fact as an opinion can get. The ultimate rock poet, just about all Dylan’s lyrics from the early-mid 60’s through the late 70’s are consistently spectacular, and he’s produced a good share of great stuff since then as well. In addition to his immense quality of songwriting, Bobby Z. is crazily prolific, writing hundreds upon hundreds of his immense, sprawling story/poem/songs, many of which have verses that number in the teens or twenties. Ten greats: “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue,” “Visions of Johanna,” “Shelter From the Storm,” “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding),” “Idiot Wind,” “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall, “I Want You,” “Just Like A Woman,” “Mississippi,” “My Back Pages.”

2) LOU REED – Looooouuuuuu! While Lou doesn’t have as long of a stunningly prolific and practically spotless lyric run as Dylan’s twelve or fifteen years beginning around 1964, he has produced incredibly powerful lyrics in every decade (even if the 80’s are his worst, there were still some great words written then), beginning in the 60’s. Practically all his Velvet Underground stuff is genius, and at least two of his solo albums (Berlin and New York) are as well. One of the first rock lyricists to tackle darker, more “depraved” topics like homosexuality, fetishism, heavy drug use, murder and suicide, Lou is a true blue rock weirdo. Plus he had a really long mullet from like 1988-1998. Ten greats: “I’ll Be Your Mirror,” “Heroin,” “All Tomorrow’s Parties,” “I’m Waiting For The Man,” “Candy Says,” “Pale Blue Eyes,” “Caroline Says II,” “Romeo Had Juliette,” “Hold On,” “I Wanna Be Black.”

3) MORRISSEY – If there is one lyricist begat from the 1980’s that deserves inclusion in this list, it is undoubtedly this clever SOB. At once comic and melancholy, arrogant and self-deprecating, life-affirming and venomously angry, Irish and British, Morrissey’s words are unlike anything else ever written. Social and political commentary blends seamlessly with intensely personal themes. Whether Morrissey is being sincere or tongue-in-cheek (and it’s often hard to tell) doesn’t matter. He’s somehow being funny and mournful at the same time… and brilliant. Ten greats: “Everyday is Like Sunday,” “There is A Light That Never Goes Out,” “Bigmouth Strikes Again,” “I Have Forgiven Jesus,” “Paint A Vulgar Picture,” “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” “What She Said,” “Meat is Murder,” “We Hate it When Our Friends Become Successful,” “Girlfriend In A Coma.”

4) PAUL SIMON – For sheer poetic focus, it is hard to find a better songwriter than Paul Simon. The majority of Simon’s lyrics do not display quite the same level of colorful imagery or imagination as Dylan’s (who it is not fair to compare him to, but was the closest thing he had to a folk-rock songwriter rival through the 60’s and 70’s... hmmm... actually Neil Young is now coming to mind... shit... I'm starting to wonder if he should be in my top five), and most of Simon’s stuff is three or four verses long, whereas Dylan could write fifteen verses in the blink of an eye. But if we must compare (and we must, because no one writes lyrics in a vacuum), to his credit nearly all Simon’s songs make perfect sense and pack a strong punch in the minimum of lines, whereas Dylan can be a bit murkier and more long-winded. Simon doesn’t go to excess; he puts forth his message in a fairly simple way, while still managing to maintain a lyrical loveliness and profundity in the language he uses. Ten greats: “Patterns,” “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” “The Boy in the Bubble,” “The Boxer,” “The Sound of Silence,” “America,” “Hazy Shade of Winter,” “Slip Slidin’ Away,” “Mrs. Robinson,” “American Tune.”

5) JOHN LENNON – Throughout his career, Lennon showed an amazing ability to write in an eclectic array of styles. His early Beatles stuff helped set a standard for pop songwriting, and in the later Beatles years he set new standards with lyrics that were alternatively introspective, political, and/or psychedelic/spiritual. Mainly, he is included on this list because of the raw emotion he managed to convey. Whether demonstrating intense anger and frustration, overwhelming sadness and exhaustion, or pure love and innocence, Lennon’s best words are stripped-down, stark, and emotionally naked. During his solo career, he pretty much stopped hiding behind symbolism or any kind of poetic device and just let it all hang out, baring his soul as openly as any rock songwriter has ever done. Actually, his solo stuff and Beatles stuff is so different that I’m going to list ten solo songs and ten Beatles songs… Ten solo greats: “Imagine,” “Jealous Guy,” “Isolation,” “Mother,” “Working Class Hero,” “I Found Out,” “Oh My Love,” “Woman is the Nigger of the World,” “Cold Turkey,” “Instant Karma.” Ten Lennon/Beatles greats: “Revolution,” “Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown),” “Tomorrow Never Knows,” “Strawberry Fields Forever,” “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” “Baby’s In Black,” “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away,” “Across the Universe,” “A Day In The Life,” “All You Need Is Love.”

Ten honorable mentions: Neil Young ("Southern Man, "Needle and the Damage Done," "Old Laughing Lady"), Leonard Cohen (Bird on the Wire," "Last Year's Man," "Avalanche") Tom Waits ("Swordfishtrombones," "Time," "Downtown Train"), Robert Hunter ("Black Peter," "Eyes of the World," "It Must Have Been the Roses"), John Hiatt ("Wrote it Down and Burned It," "Crossing Muddy Waters," "Perfectly Good Guitar"), Bob Marley ("War," "Redemption Song," "No Woman, No Cry"), Kurt Cobain ("Polly," "Drain You," "Serve the Servants"), Paul McCartney, during Beatles period ("Eleanor Rigby," "The Fool on the Hill," "For No One"), Elvis Costello ("Radio Radio," "I'll Wear It Proudly," "Deep Dark Truthful Mirror"), Frank Zappa ("Bobby Brown Goes Down," "Montana," "The Torture Never Stops")

Screw Jim Morrison ("The End," "When The Music's Over"), Roger Waters ("Sheep," "Comfortably Numb"), David Bowie ("Heroes," "Rock 'N' Roll Suicide"), Mick Jagger (Sympathy for the Devil," "19th Nervous Breakdown"), and Bruce Springsteen ("Born to Run," "It's Hard to Be A Saint in the City"). Obviously, they’re all Rock Gods and are excellent at writing rock lyrics, but screw ‘em anyway.